Fertility is a question I get asked about all the time. Interestingly enough, it used to be about when people would have their first child but I have noticed over the last two years that it seems an equal challenge to have the second child.
As a woman who has two gorgeous boys I fully realise how lucky I am to have these two little men - especially considering the many times we miscarried before, between and then after their births. So this is a topic I understand and appreciate as I also share in our video.
The questions of why me, why us, why, why, why will always bounce around in your head when you can’t conceive and you desperately want to.
When all medical reasoning and investigation cannot pinpoint the reason why you cannot conceive, or carry full term, then I believe we must question within.
This is why: I have learned that we place a pressure on our Psyche to perform in the realm of fertility, often to validate that as women we are meant to be able to do this naturally and even at times casually - much the same as breastfeeding. But what if we are holding up the order of our pathway to parenting by placing expectations and beliefs so subconsciously, but that are so extraordinarily powerful, that we actually shut this fertility capability out?
Our mind is a powerful tool; our Spirit is more so.
The strongest barriers I find that inhibit fertility belong within the self-worth sector, security sector and inflexibility sector within your Psyche.
So what are these sectors?
The Self-Worth / Self-Belief Sector
The self-worth or self-belief sector is the sector that demands that our identity of parenting produces a child. The one that demands that we are all meant to meet that person, have that occupation, save that much money, buy that house and marry - this belief structure. Then when it becomes time - interestingly usually two years after the wedding - we are now meant to consider having a child because essentially the little brick road is all in place. But is it? What if you are so far in debt and so reliant on the dual income that becoming a mother means day care after 6 weeks and a rush for the next 15 years to fit it all in?
In this model of the self-belief sector we assume that a child is part of the order and not an outcome of nature.
Then there is the issue of how the person we marry is actually viewing the situation. You see we often think that things will just work out instead of accepting that it is all destined to work in a natural order.
So in essence, in the self-worth sector we often view a child as proof that all is in order and that this is why we worked so hard: to provide a future for these little humans instead of thinking about how we provide a secure present for ourselves and that these little ones are then a gift we are given, not property we are entitled to.
The Security Sector
The security sector relates to both the financial and emotional security most humans highly crave. We all want to feel secure, safe, loved and protected; to know that we will not be hurt or in turn, hurt someone else.
In my experience I have found that the relationships that are based on financial stability are inflexible to fertility. Whether wealthy or poor, people struggling to change their position suffer similar fertility issues. So what to do?
Understand that security is in the emotional bank balance you bring to the table. Obviously finances are important to raising a child but your emotional security is more so.
This form of security allows your body to let it know that it is safe, accepted and strong to be able to carry your very precious cargo to your very precious life.
So let go of thinking that your world must be completely set up around security as you are the security they need.
The Inflexibility Sector
The inflexibility sector is the sector within the psyche that is usually the other partner, even if this other partner is the one who is the vessel of this pregnancy.
What I mean is simple: often one person more than the other really wants this pregnancy. The other partner is usually quiet in their thoughts but this is still powerful. They are not sure they want their life to change. They realise that it will on one level and whilst they desire the concept of the child, they are not prepared for the reality.
The reality is that we must, on some level, become flexible to allow our lifestyle to develop. Not change - rather add a new dimension of depth to it. I am not talking about sacrificing who we are, our hopes and our independence - far from it. Rather that we are introducing a depth of humanity and love, intelligence and new inspiration into our life and ultimately, the world.
Yes, there will always be reasons for infertility that we cannot explain. As a person who works with Spirit I often have comments made to me all the time by childless people such as ‘I guess it is just not meant to be’. I am not God so I cannot answer this.
What I do know though is that you are given the children you are meant to have and sometimes these come in the form of your friend’s children, your sibling’s children or those we are fortunate to foster or adopt – they are not always your biological children.
I write about this in the hope that women and men stop associating their sense of purpose or identity with parenting. Because what I have witnessed over the years is that those who try the hardest and have the highest and hardest expectation of themselves in the fertility arena, ultimately suffer the most.
Ask your body what is important about having this or these pregnancies’ and then give away the identity of actioning this. Relax in the knowledge that a child is an outcome of grace, not a symbol of what is meant to occur if you have ticked all the right boxes in a process you “think” is life.
Make a comment about this article via my blog.
