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Why Successful Women Feel Like Frauds & How Not To
As a female business owner with a client base that’s 80% female I receive many questions from outwardly successful women who doubt their abilities and fall prey to thinking "I'm a fraud".
In my experience this is rarely something that men think, so why do so many of us internalise our accomplishments rather than celebrate them and dismiss and minimise our success as mere "luck"?
I think there are three key reasons successful women feel like imposters:
1. Women think about what they perceive this success as bringing them in respect to their identity before they achieve it, but see a different result when they get there.
Before they achieve success they think that when they are successful that they will be strong and empowered, yet they do not project beyond this point and what will it be like to have to juggle this success with the load of a family, friendships, relationship and other aspects of their lives. The reality vs the dream is most often very far apart.
2. Women refuse to put themselves first.
As a society we see ambition as aggression in women and so an ambitious woman is perceived as either angry or unfulfilled. When she actually takes off the hat of a mother, daughter, friend, girlfriend etc and makes a decision based on her needs she is labelled selfish.
When a woman feels that her career and success comes at the expense of everything around her, instead of being the vehicle that supports everyone and everything, I believe she has a subdued shame attached to the level of success she has and as a result lives in guilt and often anxiety. Ultimately this leads to a seemingly successful woman with all the external trappings, but who is very insecure.
3. When women start out on their career path it is very rarely, if ever, that they think how the impact of further areas of growth and development will impact in their sense of individuality, psyche and identity.
So they work hard to achieve everything and then when marriage, relationships or children come into the picture they have not often incorporated the flexibility these situations will need into their career.
Whilst men maintain their positions and justify their long hours as those sent supporting their family, women are seen as negligent or super women for doing the same paid work load plus manage a family. Women know intuitively that their concept of success and the life they have has meaning, yet when change such as family comes into it they suddenly become overloaded because they have not emotionally made the rules of engagement work for them pre-success.
But what you can do to change and become more empowered in your success?
- Decide why your success is important to you. What does it allow you and create for you?
- Decide how you wish to use your success to enhance other areas of your life.
- Understand that success (often linked to control) in some life areas does not necessarily mean instant or formidable success (and control) in other areas. For example, just because you’re great in the boardroom does not mean instant success with getting your baby into a good sleeping routine, but many of us feel that to be “successful” all areas of our life have to be as strong and operate as well as each other.
- Make a plan beyond your immediate success that is flexible enough to allow for family and relationship changes – and make it about what’s realistic and workable for you, not what society or others expect of you.
- Understand that you can absolutely have it all in life - you just need to space and place it all and ensure that you bring in the resources you need to support your continuing success.
There is nothing “fraudulent” or “lucky” about achieving your success goals and nor is there any “cheating” or “fraud” involved in recognising when you need help to plan and manage success in the many areas of your life. Women are taught to feel guilty about so much that the real fraud lies with not recognising your value and not taking steps to harness your potential success across every aspect of your life.
