One of the most interesting lines of questions I get is on why some of us don’t like being in the public or even just standing up for why we feel the way we do when faced with difficult situations. 90% of the people who ask me this are introvert in an extrovert situation and struggle with this. So let’s explore what an introvert and extrovert are so you will better understand yourself – and make it work for you!
As an introvert in an extrovert form of work I have been accused many times of being cold or stuck-up in public. It has not occurred to anyone that I may be highly uncomfortable!
So what is the difference? Briefly, introverts expend energy just being with other people and need solitude to re-charge; they spend a lot of time thinking and little time talking; and are slow with verbal responses. Extroverts need the energy of others to thrive. Here I'm going to give some real life examples of these differences in relation to energy, interaction, emotion and thinking.
EnergyAn Introvert Feels: “I definitely experience the energy drain when in a large group. I even get exhausted just going grocery shopping!! And when I'm done, I need a nap or at least some time by myself before I can adequately pay attention to someone else.”
An Extrovert Feels: "My extroverted daughter is revved up by shopping. When she gets home she wants to discuss the whole trip.”
Interaction
The enjoyment of and the express preference for solitude is an introvert behaviour that many extroverts can't understand.
An Introvert Feels: “I can, and have, gone for days without so much as speaking to someone on the phone. I don't know how long I could go before I would seek outside contact. My life requires contact. But I would say probably 2 weeks.”
Extroverts need to interact with other people frequently.
An Extrovert Feels: “My ex husband couldn't last longer than a movie without talking to someone. He can't stand pauses in conversations and must fill them.”
Emotion
Introverts tend to be much more matter-of-fact and less emotional. Stoic is a word that comes to my mind. Others say reserved or aloof.
Status report at work given by an extrovert: "We are so excited. Things are going great. It's going to be fantastic. Jim is really on top of things. He's .. blah blah blah. Terry is coming along. She finished .... Blah blah......"
Status given by an introvert: "Everything's fine. We'll be ready on time." (Introverts know where they're supposed to be, no need to repeat it all.)
While the extrovert’s report may be a bit excessive, the introvert doesn't give enough information. Introverts need to realize that detailed updates are needed by most of the world and are not considered repetitious. So a quick, "We've completed this, this and this" is much better than the "everything is on time" response.
Extroverts might glow and rave over an accomplishment, exclaiming in several different ways how great that accomplishment is: "Wow! That's fantastic! I'm so proud of you! You really worked hard! I'm so happy for you!" Introverts will give a simple "That's great! Congratulations!" and believe that's enough.
Thinking
Introverts are very valuable in the work place. Someone once estimated that you need 3-5 'doers' (extroverts) for every 'thinker' (introvert) so these odds look pretty good to me.
Our apparently aloof or disinterested look is actually just a pause while we mull something over. Our need to absorb and integrate new information takes time. Our mental gears must grind a bit before we can feel and display an emotion.
They are deep thinkers and come up with surprising connections between seemingly unrelated things. Think Albert Einstein.
‘When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract, positive thinking.’ Albert Einstein
They say that introverts are more comfortable with ideas and inner thoughts and extroverts are more comfortable with people and things. One of my soccer buddies is good at this! He and I are perfect examples of this.
He is very extroverted and wants to know what everyone did and is doing. He will interact with all the people on the sidelines of their children's soccer games while still catching almost everything his child does. He knows all the parents and all the siblings of all the players on his child's team by name and will ask how some unrelated event went in their life-way too much info for me!
I, the introvert, will smile and say 'Hi' to a few parents that I recognize over time. I may exchange small talk about the weather and the kids’ achievements with those I've sat on the sidelines with for a few years. My focus is on the game and my child. I can't focus on the game and on a conversation at the same time. For me this takes away my focus on supporting my sons.
I have limited attention span for conversations on who did what. But I can get deeply involved in conversations about 'deep' subjects like politics, philosophy, religion, faith and economics. Some of my friends quickly get frustrated with these subjects!
Understanding ourselves and others improves our life and our interactions. Self-knowledge is the first step in any self-improvement program. Think about what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable then identify whether you are introvert or extrovert. If your personality leans strongly one way or the other the information about their differences will not just be helpful – you can make it work for you no matter where you are or what you are doing.
